Today’s the big day to vote. The media has predicted Obama will have the upper hand and will become the next President. But what does this mean for John McCain? It means he’s got a few hours to push a whole wave of people over to vote for him. We’ve got some suggestions for him.
#5 Sarah Palin Wet T-Shirt Contest
Come on, don’t lie, love her or hate her, Sarah Palin is hot. Do you want to sit in line at the sausage fest? Or do you want to see some wet VeePee?
#4 John McCain Wrestling A Crocodile
There are few things in life as rewarding and satisfying as watching a grown-ass man risk his life by wrestling a crocodile. I’m not sure why this is, but I have a near suspicion it borders on that whole “could get eaten” thing.
I hear people say all the time, “Boy, Obama sure has balls for wanting to do things differently”. Nah, you want to see balls baby? Go wrestle a croc! If John McCain wrestles a crocodile today, at 4:00 EST, I’m telling you, he’s going to win this election.
#3 Dance Off
Who cares about the economy, the war in Iraq, and global warming? Let’s get down to this, the President needs to be able to dance his ass off. McCain should challenge Obama to a dance off, and let the best candidate win.
Of course, we would expect a “Milk Shake” from Sarah Palin. See #5 above.
#2 Promise To Make Chuck Norris The Secretary of Defense
There’s a lot of scared people in this great nation. A lot of folks who are constantly afraid of terrorists and Weapons of Mass Destruction. What better way to make people vote for you than to make them think that you can provide false security? You guessed it, hire real security.
If Chuck Norris is appointed the Secretary of Defense, our woes will be over. No more worrying about threats, because Secretary Norris can simply roundhouse kick them into oblivion!
#1 Free Beer
This one doesn’t need an explanation. Promising every American free beer doesn’t just ensure instant victory at the polls, but will increase happiness everywhere! Oh, and ugly people everywhere will finally have a very active sex life. It’s clearly a win-win situation.
